It’s really important to protect the identity of the people I counsel. Budget counseling is all about people’s personal money lives. At times I think it’s the most personal thing someone can discuss with me. It’s amazing how people will talk to me about problems their having with money and I’ll think I have some kind of idea of what they’re problem may be, but then once I ask for the specific numbers and I do the math I see a completely different story. A session that starts out as “We need to improve our credit score and figure out how much money to save” becomes “I need to stop resenting my wife for making more money than me and thus sabotaging the bill paying process to compensate.” That’s just one example.
I received a call today from a wife that is really upset. I was in the parking lot of the grocery store when she called so most of the conversation happened while going up and down the aisles. We have talked on and off over the past three or so years. Her husband keeps shopping. She hates checking things on-line, so she doesn’t find out about most of the purchases until the credit card or bank statement shows up in the mail. Most of the things he buys are for her, or other family members, or when they eat out. The bottom-line number always surprises her. His response, “I make good money. I should be able to buy these things.” But it’s not what you make. It’s what you spend. All this shopping is keeping them from reaching some of their financial goals – buying a house, having a baby, just to name two.
Over the last several counseling sessions we’ve tried many things to help the husband track his spending. He’ll stick to it for several weeks, and then it drops off. He even agreed to have his wife give him a certain amount of cash for the week. When the cash was gone, no more spending. But then he started secretly using the credit card. Now we’re talking about finding a way for the wife to get more comfortable with the internet and checking their bank and credit card balances more often.
But the truth is, all these things are just dealing with symptoms, not the problem. Most money problems are not about money. And this is especially true with spending problems.
I was talking with a young woman about a month ago and she was going on and on about how she can’t resist sales, and she loves to buy dinner for her friends. We talked for about 30 minutes before she quickly said, “…and then I have to give some to my mother, of course.” It turned out whenever she came home after cashing her paycheck, her mom would insist on taking a lot of her money. “I wouldn’t mind if she was paying the electric bill or something, but I know that’s not what she’s doing with it. And it’s not like I can say ‘no’ to her!” This woman was spending all her money before her mom could find out about it so she didn’t have to give it to her! Spending problems are rarely what we think.
So, although I can’t say what will happen for sure with the husband described above, I suspect that spending all of their money has something to do with a fear not being faced. Fears of settling down, growing up, and moving on with your life are extremely common.
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